Hello,
To any friend, fan, or fellow believer in Christ who has found a connection with the music and message of Sanctus Real, I wanted to write a letter concerning the last several months of my life.
I joined the band in 2005, the same weekend that recording for The Face of Love began. At the time I barely knew them. I quickly learned that the three original members, having already been together 8 years, were living through some very trying times; Funerals of parents and grandparents, friends going through divorce, deadlines, bills, band members leaving, being away from wives and children. They were expected to have an album full of upbeat rock songs, but were completely exhausted.
I was drawn to Sanctus Real then because they seemed genuine people with integrity in their craft. They wrote creative music and honest lyrics. They were crawling through very difficult days and not giving up. They wrote songs not about how great and cheery they were supposed to feel as Christians, but about how sometimes life is a crawl through the mud and how in it, God always longs to draw us closer.
It was out of these struggles that came a deeper conviction for the band to speak the truth plain and simply regardless of how people would respond…that sometimes things are not Ok, and it’s a fact of life. That’s when the song, I’m Not Alright, was born.
Honesty will always be an integral part of how we operate publicly and live privately. We’re ordinary people. We’re sinners saved by grace. Being “real” is at the core of our message, which is why the word is in our name and is a theme in our music (I’m Not Alright, Don’t Give Up, Whatever You’re Doing (Something Heavenly), Forgiven, Lead Me).
With all that said, fast-forward to December of 2008, my first full day of being 27. At 9:00am, I found myself in downtown Nashville sitting in a courtroom next to my wife of almost three years. This is the first time I’d seen her for months and by 9:30am we were legally divorced.
It’s difficult to know what exactly I should say next. I suspect a wide variety of reactions, questions, and opinions. I promise no one has more questions than I did. I grew up in the church, in a stable family with parents and grandparents who are still married today, yet somehow my Christian faith and my real-life circumstances seem to contradict greatly. How was God possibly going redeem this situation? If I ever wanted to heal, it was crucial to find resolve. It’s been over a year now since the divorce and after striving for answers to many hard questions; I’m relieved to say I’ve found some resolve. God’s redemption is still baffling, and in some ways even ironic. If I’ve learned anything though, I’m inclined to say that’s part of what makes it so perfect. I found great comfort in God being the infinite Creator and I being the finite creation.
Scripture tells us, “His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8 NIV),” and that “in all things God works to the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28).” In my bewilderment, I held strong also to the promise that God wanted nothing more than to carry me “as a father carries his son, all the way…(Deuteronomy 1:31 NIV).” It would take an entire book to discuss the journey I’ve taken and all the things I’ve learned from the past couple years. For the purpose of this statement, I’d like to briefly share just some thoughts and conclusions.
1. My purpose for writing this is not to blame, slander, or defame anyone. That would contradict forgiveness, the core value in the Christian faith and the mission of Jesus’ entire life. My goal is to let brothers and sisters in Christ know that the grounds behind my part in the divorce are firmly scriptural. The band supports this. My family and friends support this. My counselor, who walked beside me from the beginning, supports this. Only after the greatest possible lengths to honor my commitment, and after total peace of mind from God, did it happen.
2. As someone on stage, especially in the Christian culture, I recognize there is a unique balance between personal and public life. We’re held under closer scrutiny and more judgment. Even though the details surrounding my divorce are not entirely for public knowledge I feel a responsibility to address that it happened. The last thing I would want is for the message and ministry of Sanctus Real to be diluted because I wasn’t willing to be open.
3. It’s a tragedy that divorce is so common. Where it especially hits home though is that it’s common in the Christian community. How many men and women are in our home churches living with wounds of divorce? Even worse, how many no longer feel comfortable there, not because they’ve lost faith in God, but as a result of just feeling alienated? It’s likely not even the church that’s at fault. The sad reality though is that if someone is at odds in his/her own home, it’s a rare victory to feel different anywhere else.
4. Living through the progression of divorce is difficult to explain and impossible to relate to without going through it firsthand. As a result, much of the healing process is internal and private. Time alone is a necessary step, but it’s just one half of a delicate symmetry. At a certain point, community becomes crucial for healing. Friends and family want to help; they just need to know how. It’s also essential to talk to a good Christian counselor.
5. I should also mention the song, Don’t Give Up. We wrote this as we watched for the first time friends go through divorce. To clarify, it’s not meant to speak to all areas of this tragedy. It is meant to encourage spouses not to walk out in difficult times or when life simply doesn’t feel pleasant anymore. The song was written as a reminder to ourselves in the band and to everyone that marriage is a covenant to be taken seriously. Divorce is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. It’s the terrible and unnatural death of something that was never meant to die. Playing this song is a daily reminder that we’re accountable to our promises. I truly believe in Don’t Give Up and with clear conscience can say that I made every effort in my marriage to live by it and will continue to do so in the future.
6. Finally, it took a long time to write this letter because it wasn’t until now that I could say all these things in truth. Anyone who has gone through trial understands it takes time to recover. I truly believe God has worked his healing in my life and the worst is behind me. The ability to write this letter is a testament to that. I have a renewed perspective on the nature and character of God and how deep his love is. And to reiterate the wonderful irony of redemption, I don’t believe I could have learned this any other way.
These were just a few thoughts I felt compelled to share. Thank you for supporting our music and for being a vital part of what Sanctus Real does. We truly appreciate you so very much. Thank you for taking the time to read this long letter and I hope you can take away peace of mind and understanding of my situation and for those around you affected similarly.
If you’re reading this and have personally been through divorce, I’m truly sorry for the hurt and bewilderment you’ve felt. I’m sorry for my part in not understanding it in the past. I still don’t claim to have much wisdom as many situations are far, far worse than mine, but I truly believe God’s healing is complete. It’s his promise and it leads to redemption and freedom. I can’t imagine living a full life by going any other route. I genuinely hope and pray that if nothing else, this letter will bring added comfort and encouragement that you’re not alone in your journey.
Sincerely as a brother in Christ,
Dan Gartley
Don’t know if this link is still active, I just came across the link and noted the date of your letter. I do hope you will read my reply; though a bit of time has elapsed and you are surely in a different place than you were when you wrote this, I too am a Christian who went through a divorce. Rather than having my church family support me, they inflicted more wounds by telling me how God hated divorce. I was definitely made to feel most unwelcome. It was a blessing that I moved far away from my home state, and was renewed and blessed by His grace and forgiveness. Unfortunately, a divorce when there are children is that much worse, I don’t know if that was your case or not. My divorce is still causing problems, thought it’s been over 10 years, just because there are still issues related to child support, bills, etc. I thought it would be a clean break, but it has not been. I have remarried and have been blessed immeasurably with a husband that loves the Lord, and I know that I have been used by Him to further His kingdom. Divorce is a tragedy, but like so many of our failures and painful situations, we can trust in the truths such as in Romans 8:28 and know that our human condition precludes perfection on this earth, but God can still make beauty of our ashes. Yes, divorce in the Christian community seems like an oxymoron, but our community happens to be in a fallen world. Thank you for your awesome ministry, your music has been healing and uplifting for us. Be blessed.
Dan,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about your divorce. I also went through a divorce after 17 years of marriage and having 3 children. It’s still not easy, we are both Christians and I don’t believe there was a biblical reason for our divorce, rather as too often is the case in our society, Christians included, we listen to satan’s lies and our hearts grow cold and hard. I definitely wasn’t living up to the what God calls us men to do as Sanctus Real tells us so well in “Lead Me”.
“Don’t Give Up” was just coming out on the radio when we were going through our divorce and I sent the lyrics to my soon to be ex-wife hoping she would be moved by the words like I was…..but I guess it was too late. Since then, I can honestly say that even though the pain is still present every day, the experience has caused me to grow so much closer to God and to trust Him in everything that happens. I don’t know that I’ll ever get completely over it, but time with God heals….
Thanks!
Women BAIL out because we NEVER get to meet the REAL YOU completely~ We miss the efforts that men put in, in those first months and years…
Maybe we scare that out of you with our moods….so you learn to guard your hearts~ and you stop doing those little things just for us~ which in turn..makes us withdraw more…
..attitudes and pride get in the way of fixing marriages… we somehow treat each other more like siblings that we are jealous of ..instead of like OUR hearts desire. The walls we build up due to disagreements and disrespect blacken our hearts and we lose the desire to EVEN be “happy” with the other person.
Staying married is not an easy thing to do once it feels like both people are going the wrong way.
There IS HOPE When one person is willing to keep giving and giving and giving. EVEN IF it MAY enable the other spouse to KEEP TAKING. Over time, hopefully , the taker starts to feel YOUR commitment.
I admit that the “as is” spouse is hard to feel that tingly love for~ OR you may even lose respect for them while you WAIT for them to “get it” ~ Sticking it OUT through these fazes is all part of the development of a deeper stronger relationship.
It’s NOT all about giddy feelings and a smile that wont leave~ It’s about realizing that you must put effort into the marriage for the sake of KEEPING the marriage.. That you must keep pleasant communication open, in order that you may learn to completely relax and KNOW each others TRUE hearts…the one that you fell in love with..and is STILL there, slightly damaged due to life events..but STILL capable of growing stronger together .
…the giving spouse has to drop their pride FIRST and stay the course…. they have to let down their guard and let the other person KNOW that THEY think the marriage is worth saving, they have to state what they need and ask what THEY can do for the other spouse in order to make them feel safe in the relationship. The shame of giving up is that you never really GET TO meet the MATURE SPOUSE~ that you would have had, had you stuck together~
~~~~~~
I don’t know your own personal episodes which led to the divorce~ but the human condition is so well documented… many marriages are even salvageable AFTER the divorce has taken place~ when people just drop the pride~
What a great reflection about divorce. I went through my own and felt the outcast in my church. I now am an advocate to make others feel welcome and feel no shame because you are divorced. Divorce was the hardest event I have had to go through in my life but I made it through the valley. I tell people it starts out as an hourly, then daily, weekly, monthly then yearly process. One day you will heal with as long as you keep God at your side and let him heal you. Move forward and know sometimes his plan includes something much better than what you had planned!
I just came across your blog and began reading from the begining. For the past year our family has been through a “Twlight Zone”-type experience because of our daughter divorcing her husband of eight years. It was entirely of her doing and we tried to stay out of it, but felt deeply ashamed because we knew she had provided biblical grounds for her husband to divored her, but he wanted to start over and forgive her. I struggled so with not wanting to be around my daughter and yet feeling obligated to tell her of God’s willingness to forgive her after confession and repentance. So far so has been hostile to the subject. I pray all the time for her. This has been like a death or terminal illness in our family. Your blog was the first thing I’ve read or heard that has made this any better. Thank you for putting your experience into words and sharing.
Hi! Thank you for sharing this. My own divorce was a hard journey. It nearly destroyed my spirit, but the end result was my awakening. I have been annoying all the past callings for my soul. But one night this February, as I was crying helplesly and for the first time I stopped asking “-Why me, why me?”, and ask for strenght to get past the anger and bitterness I suddenly felt this undescribeable peace in my heart. At that same moment I was able to forgive my then still wife for her trespasses against me and I feel I was forgiven too. Now, as Jesus is by my side, I’m never alone. I still feel guilt about the fact that I couldn’t find a way to rescue my marriage, but that feeling always passes as fast as it comes.
Also, I found that I have been called for all my life, but I always just ingnored the signs. I was like a little child who doesn’t want to hear something his/her’s parents all telling and covers up the ears and goes… “-lalalala.. I don’t hear you.” Now that I finally answered the call, I’m free. I’ve lost some friends over this relationship with Jesus, my Saviour, but gained a few new friends too.
God’s work can be seen in my and people are telling me I’m more than I was before. Believers and non-believers both. I was a good father to my children before, but I’m better now. I know this, because my kids tell me so. I also sleep better than ever before. Straight 8 hours every night. I quit couple of bad habits, like an Coca Cola addiction. I’ve cut down my smoking too and I plan to quit after I smoked these 3 last cigarettes. So… Even that divorce nearly destroyed me, I’m thankful taht it was a big part of events that lead me to Jesus Chirst, who always company me in my heart. So… Miracles really happens. Because when a broken heart is made brand new, thats a miracle itself.
Marco from Finland.
P.S. I just love Sanctus Real. Take over me is very special song to me.
Thank you for sharing your story. I was married for 12 years and had 3 amazing (yes I am partial) sons and my husband got up and walked out one night after dinner while I was putting the dishes away. I believe that through this pain of divorce, which I did discover later was scripturally based as well, God brought me to my knees and an amazing relationship with Him and I has flourished and if I had stayed married I do not know if that would have ever happened. Divorce is ugly, painful and sad and I am still healing but I too have faith that God will lay out this blessing for me again when I am ready and this next time it will be His will and His way and of course in His amazing timing. For now, I will continue to let God put me back together and enjoy this journey with my sons and follow God where ever He leads me. Again thank you for sharing!
Blessings to you.
I am suffering through the pain of divorce now, leaving an abusive spouse of 25+ years who continues to manipulate, be malicious and vindictive – all while calling himself a Christian. It blows my mind how a “Christian” can take scripture out of context to hurt another person. It also never ceases to amaze me the great lengths that Satan will go to in order to destroy two people, and he does it so well!
Thank you for your candidness. I have faced many of the things you describe, and it’s not over yet.
But one thing I know – That fairy-tale ending every girl wants? I may not have received it with my husband, but I am Christ’s Bride – His Beloved – and THAT is really the best fairy-tale ending of them all.
I cannot relate to divorce but I can relate to going through a long healing process. I had an addiction to pornography and only a couple of years ago did i realize the havoc that it was causing to my soul. I have spent these last couple of years going through a healing process that i know is not over yet. Your song “The Redeemer” has helped show to me what gods heart is and what a redeemer really is. I know that if i had not kept with my faith even in the addiction (even though i might not have had the relationship with god) that i would be a lot further down that road and have a much longer road to recovery. I know in the words of your song that that it was Jesus that was keeping my weak heart alive. I know this was somewhat unrelated, but i wanted you to know how your songs have helped me through a healing process. I also think it is amazing that God takes people down so many different roads but in the end his healing brings us to the same place.
Thank you for the music that you create and never doubt the way god uses it to impact people for his kingdom.