(just) The Bass Player

Hello,

To any friend, fan, or fellow believer in Christ who has found a connection with the music and message of Sanctus Real, I wanted to write a letter concerning the last several months of my life.

I joined the band in 2005, the same weekend that recording for The Face of Love began.  At the time I barely knew them.  I quickly learned that the three original members, having already been together 8 years, were living through some very trying times; Funerals of parents and grandparents, friends going through divorce, deadlines, bills, band members leaving, being away from wives and children.  They were expected to have an album full of upbeat rock songs, but were completely exhausted.

I was drawn to Sanctus Real then because they seemed genuine people with integrity in their craft.  They wrote creative music and honest lyrics.  They were crawling through very difficult days and not giving up.  They wrote songs not about how great and cheery they were supposed to feel as Christians, but about how sometimes life is a crawl through the mud and how in it, God always longs to draw us closer.

It was out of these struggles that came a deeper conviction for the band to speak the truth plain and simply regardless of how people would respond…that sometimes things are not Ok, and it’s a fact of life.  That’s when the song, I’m Not Alright, was born.

Honesty will always be an integral part of how we operate publicly and live privately.  We’re ordinary people.  We’re sinners saved by grace.  Being “real” is at the core of our message, which is why the word is in our name and is a theme in our music (I’m Not Alright, Don’t Give Up, Whatever You’re Doing (Something Heavenly), Forgiven, Lead Me).

With all that said, fast-forward to December of 2008, my first full day of being 27.  At 9:00am, I found myself in downtown Nashville sitting in a courtroom next to my wife of almost three years.  This is the first time I’d seen her for months and by 9:30am we were legally divorced.

It’s difficult to know what exactly I should say next.  I suspect a wide variety of reactions, questions, and opinions.  I promise no one has more questions than I did. I grew up in the church, in a stable family with parents and grandparents who are still married today, yet somehow my Christian faith and my real-life circumstances seem to contradict greatly.  How was God possibly going redeem this situation?  If I ever wanted to heal, it was crucial to find resolve.  It’s been over a year now since the divorce and after striving for answers to many hard questions; I’m relieved to say I’ve found some resolve.  God’s redemption is still baffling, and in some ways even ironic. If I’ve learned anything though, I’m inclined to say that’s part of what makes it so perfect.  I found great comfort in God being the infinite Creator and I being the finite creation.

Scripture tells us, “His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8 NIV),” and that “in all things God works to the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28).”  In my bewilderment, I held strong also to the promise that God wanted nothing more than to carry me “as a father carries his son, all the way…(Deuteronomy 1:31 NIV).”  It would take an entire book to discuss the journey I’ve taken and all the things I’ve learned from the past couple years.  For the purpose of this statement, I’d like to briefly share just some thoughts and conclusions.

1. My purpose for writing this is not to blame, slander, or defame anyone.  That would contradict forgiveness, the core value in the Christian faith and the mission of Jesus’ entire life.  My goal is to let brothers and sisters in Christ know that the grounds behind my part in the divorce are firmly scriptural.  The band supports this.  My family and friends support this.  My counselor, who walked beside me from the beginning, supports this.  Only after the greatest possible lengths to honor my commitment, and after total peace of mind from God, did it happen.

2. As someone on stage, especially in the Christian culture, I recognize there is a unique balance between personal and public life.  We’re held under closer scrutiny and more judgment.  Even though the details surrounding my divorce are not entirely for public knowledge I feel a responsibility to address that it happened.  The last thing I would want is for the message and ministry of Sanctus Real to be diluted because I wasn’t willing to be open.

3.  It’s a tragedy that divorce is so common.  Where it especially hits home though is that it’s common in the Christian community.  How many men and women are in our home churches living with wounds of divorce?  Even worse, how many no longer feel comfortable there, not because they’ve lost faith in God, but as a result of just feeling alienated?  It’s likely not even the church that’s at fault.  The sad reality though is that if someone is at odds in his/her own home, it’s a rare victory to feel different anywhere else.

4. Living through the progression of divorce is difficult to explain and impossible to relate to without going through it firsthand.  As a result, much of the healing process is internal and private.  Time alone is a necessary step, but it’s just one half of a delicate symmetry. At a certain point, community becomes crucial for healing.  Friends and family want to help; they just need to know how. It’s also essential to talk to a good Christian counselor.

5. I should also mention the song, Don’t Give Up.  We wrote this as we watched for the first time friends go through divorce.  To clarify, it’s not meant to speak to all areas of this tragedy.  It is meant to encourage spouses not to walk out in difficult times or when life simply doesn’t feel pleasant anymore.  The song was written as a reminder to ourselves in the band and to everyone that marriage is a covenant to be taken seriously.  Divorce is not a get-out-of-jail-free card.  It’s the terrible and unnatural death of something that was never meant to die.  Playing this song is a daily reminder that we’re accountable to our promises.  I truly believe in Don’t Give Up and with clear conscience can say that I made every effort in my marriage to live by it and will continue to do so in the future.

6.  Finally, it took a long time to write this letter because it wasn’t until now that I could say all these things in truth.  Anyone who has gone through trial understands it takes time to recover.  I truly believe God has worked his healing in my life and the worst is behind me.  The ability to write this letter is a testament to that.  I have a renewed perspective on the nature and character of God and how deep his love is.  And to reiterate the wonderful irony of redemption, I don’t believe I could have learned this any other way.

These were just a few thoughts I felt compelled to share.  Thank you for supporting our music and for being a vital part of what Sanctus Real does.  We truly appreciate you so very much.  Thank you for taking the time to read this long letter and I hope you can take away peace of mind and understanding of my situation and for those around you affected similarly.

If you’re reading this and have personally been through divorce, I’m truly sorry for the hurt and bewilderment you’ve felt.  I’m sorry for my part in not understanding it in the past.  I still don’t claim to have much wisdom as many situations are far, far worse than mine, but I truly believe God’s healing is complete.  It’s his promise and it leads to redemption and freedom.  I can’t imagine living a full life by going any other route. I genuinely hope and pray that if nothing else, this letter will bring added comfort and encouragement that you’re not alone in your journey.

Sincerely as a brother in Christ,

Dan Gartley